I took this picture while hiking in the glen. Today, I miss my family. I got a call from my mom; she wanted to know how I made chimichangas. I used to make them all the time when I was home, and I made them a specific way. It’s funny when your mom calls you from home just to ask you how to make dinner, when it used to be the other way around. I have a great family. They support me through the worst and the best. Today, I have felt kinda down. I feel as if I do not have friends, somewhat based on the fact that I wrote a menist article and also this term has been especially busy. It’s almost as if my friends moved on without me once I became swamped. They did not take the time to hang out with me; they did not take the time to post encouraging things on my door when I was stressed, like I did for them. It is not that I expected them to do that, but more the fact that I thought I had really supportive friends. Remember The View? I posted an article about them a while back during winter break. Yes, well, just as ions dissociate in water, The View is no more. Whoopi, my used-to-be home girl traded me in for her roommate. Jen and Barb became so close that they no longer recognized that Whoopi and I were their friends too. Then, I posted an article about menism; it seems to me that there is some tension between us; Jen is a pretty strong supporter of feminism. She may have hear about the article; if not, she will soon! It should be published sooner or later! It just seems I am alone in the world. Despite this feeling of loss I have, there is a sense of pride about me too, I suppose. My mom sent me a really wonderful quote that resonated deeply with me:
“Sometimes loneliness is better than a fake friend.”
I feel like this is right. I am alone, and yet maybe that was for the better. Maybe, it was meant to be that way. Maybe now I can go on knowing that the people I thought as friends were never truly that. I do not know; I felt like we would be friends forever. I still occasionally speak to my friend from 5th grade, for goodness sakes! I never expected it to end like this, and for some reason, it feels all wrong.
And, so as I took this picture of my shadow, I felt like the shape of it was right. There I am among the trees, alone but still standing tall. If you look close, you can see my scarf across my shoulders fluttering in the wind behind me. I stand alone, and it is sad, and I wish that it was not like this. But, there’s a beauty in it, you know. There is a beauty in loneliness. To me, it feels like the color purple, deep, dark and rich and swirling and liberating….and sad. A sad beauty, the best kind.